It's Me Time

I'm not a mother. I don't know what it's like to have a child of my own; however, I do know what it's like to constantly put other's needs in front of my own. I use this example because there are times when other mothers assume things about me. For instance, some assume I'm not busy. Others believe that I'm missing out. Others don't assume anything at all. It's always been something that irritates me. I'm not broken because I don't have children. It just hasn't been my time yet.

Recently, I've been trying something new; I've been putting my own needs before others. I may seem selfish, but the fact is, I can. I am a single woman trying to figure things out. The only way I can do that is to try things, mess up, learn, and move on. These opportunities that have been presenting themselves to me will not last forever. They may lead me down the wrong path, but the cool thing is, they may lead me right where I need to be. Life is crazy like that.

It's funny because I never thought I would be an independent woman. It's not that I thought I was weak, but I've always had someone looking after me. Don't get me wrong, I needed that at the time, but at some point in the past few years, I found myself figuring out quite a bit by myself. I've failed...a lot, but I own all of those failures.

After graduating college, I envisioned myself settling down and starting a family. For many reasons, that just didn't happen. A relationship fell apart, I went back to college to pursue college, and I moved around to find my fit. Some day, I want to be a mother, and I pray that it will happen. Until then, I am learning to enjoy the opportunities and people that God is giving me. I'm learning to do things for myself and enjoy my independence.

Last weekend, I went out with some friends back in my college town. It's always bittersweet. I miss it, but I also realize that those memories, people, and experiences will forever be in my heart.

Moving Forward

In high school, I was on the golf team. I grew up on the course, whether it was riding along in the cart, working at the club, or playing a round or two myself. Golf is one of the only sports where you have the opportunity to walk along and talk with your competitor. While this was not always the case, sometimes it made the sport fun. I met a lot of girls with a wide variety of skills and personalities.

One time, I was walking along side my competition after she had hit an unimpressive worm-burner. She looked over at me and said, "Oh well. My dad always tells me that as long as I'm not hitting it backwards, I'm doing alright." I'm not sure why this comment has stuck with me over the years, but I'm realizing that it applies far beyond the course. No one wants to go backwards -- not when you're golfing, not in life.

Someone once told me that he didn't want to make lateral moves. At the time, I didn't think much of it. I suppose I hadn't really even thought about which direction I was heading. Now it makes a little more sense. We want the choices we make in life to move us forward. There's nothing wrong with looking back because we can learn from past situations. This in turn helps us to move forward as opposed to sideways or even backwards.

Today I am moving to a new place. I'll be teaching in the same school district; I just needed to move for personal reasons. Yesterday I began second guessing my decision. I started to question whether the move was lateral. I might be downsizing in terms of space, but personally, this is something that I need to do. I've put my career first for a while, and it's now time to think about myself. While I still intend to pour my heart and soul into teaching, I also realize that it's also important for me to be my best self. My physical move will also be moving me forward personally.

Being Okay with the Swerve

Sometimes I feel behind. Ideally, I wouldn't have gone to college twice. Yes, I did earn to bachelor degrees, but it did take me longer than I had anticipated. In many ways, it set me back both professionally and socially. The silver lining: I learned a lot in both my education and in life. As I look back, I try not to dwell on my decisions (or indecisions). Every path I have taken as leaded me to where I am today. God has paved the way for me, and He continues to lead me each day.

In the minister's sermon this morning, he talked about taking gravel roads verses interstates and highways. Visually, this all started to make sense to me. I know people that have mapped out their lives and stayed pretty close to those direct routes. Yes, they have made a few pit stops along the way, but for the most part, they (seemingly) have had a pretty smooth ride. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Well, I wouldn't really know because I've been on the gravel roads for most of my life. I'm not complaining, nor do I believe that I've had a hard life. The fact is, I've been swerving around trying to figure out quite a bit on my own. It's allowed me to become an independent woman, something I never thought I would be. My route may not be the most direct, but it's mine. The order of things may be different from what I had in mind. The amount of time it's taken me to figure things out may not always be very efficient, but it's allowed me to learn. 

As I write this, I realize that all of these "setbacks" have shaped me and continue to do so. The important thing to remember is that God is behind all of them. He doesn't have "setbacks." All things work together for good for those that love God (Romans 8:28). Yes, I may be swerving more than others, but God is teaching me and guiding me through. Learning to trust is not always easy, but surrendering my life to Him was the best decision I've ever made.

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:6)

Life Just Sucks Sometimes

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that life isn't fair...well, you get the picture. The truth is, life just isn't fun sometimes. But the good news is summed up in one of my favorite phrases, "It's a bad day, not a bad life." Recently, I've had a few different personal issues that I can't really shake. These issues are following me and a few of the people that I love. It's hard to continue on when life seems so easy for those around you. While it may just be a masked image, it still can hurt and seems nearly impossible not to play the comparison game.

As I grow older, I realize more that everyone has their thing. It may not seem like a big thing to us, but it's still their own hurt that they carry. I don't like when people say, "The things you complain about someone else may be praying for." Just because their problem looks "bigger" than someone that you are struggling with doesn't mean you can't hurt. You own whatever struggles come your way. Whether it's a health issue, change in jobs, or even as small as an argument at work. You have every right to hurt. We need to realize that life just sucks sometimes, and there is a reason it does. God gives us these struggles because it's not supposed to be easy on this side of heaven. We are imperfect sinners. The important part is that we accept His grace and continually ask for forgiveness.

Yes, life sucks sometimes, and that's okay. But it's not okay to get stuck in this times. At some point, we need to pull ourselves out of our slumps. It's going to be hard, but life is meant to be lived. While it may seem that you are constantly being dealt a bad hand, you're strong enough because God is not only walking alongside of you, but also in front of you. One day at a time, things will get better.

Another One Bites the Dust

Only a few days into summer, and I've already completed one book! Once I get going on a book, it begins to consume my life. I'm not sure how healthy this is; I suppose there are worse things :-) A good novel, for me, is mostly based on the characters. I'm always amazed at the craft of characterization. I mean, how does an author make me feel so connected to the characters in a novel? If you ask me, that's a very hard skill to master. Last summer, I went to a reading where the author described the process behind her characters. It was very interesting, and it made me realize that it's not always a "plop my laptop down and begin typing" situation, but rather, a process. I kind of love that about it too because this shows that not just anyone can be a published author.

You're probably wondering what book I read! Me Before You by Jojo Moyes was recommended to me by a friend, and I would do the same to someone else. The story is based around a relationship between a quadriplegic and his caregiver. It was nothing like I thought it was going to be, and it was interesting to read about the different perspectives. I loved how the characters developed, not only individually, but as they grew together.

One of the quotes from the novel got me thinking (surprise, surprise) was, "You only get one life. It's actually your duty to live it as full as possible." Understanding the story and getting to know the characters changes this for me, but it's something that anyone can relate to. It's so easy to get into a routine and, for lack of a better term, "settle." I am guilty of this, but this just reminded me that that's not what life is about. Not only that, but it is our duty to do something bigger. We only have one life on this side of heaven, so it's important that we fill it with what matters.

As I finished the novel, I was crying. I was sad for the characters, but also for myself because it was over. I always get so emotionally attached to characters. Someone needs to remind me that they aren't real people. In that sense, another one bites the dust.

A Simple Image

In my American Literature class, we briefly study Imagism. The reason we only study it for one or two days is because the period itself only lasted from about 1912-1917. Ezra Pound, along with some of his colleagues, were aiming for clarity of expression through images through literature. One of the most famous poems during this time was "The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams. He constructs the poem by using a mere 16 words to express the simple image of a wheelbarrow. Now, most of my students like this poem because it is so short, but some like it for other reasons. The image it creates in their minds is simple, and in a world where things are anything but, that is kind of comforting. 

These authors created images through words, but it got me thinking about how we create our images. Yes, there is social media, and I'm not one to rag on its effects on society. It's a part of the world we live in, but I do think it's important to think about the images we see verses the truth. We tend to post the good images -- a new job, an engagement, or vacation photos -- showcasing the victories in life. I don't think many of us post the days when it's just plain rough, for that would taint our image. Part of me thinks, Who cares? Why are we so concerned about the image the world sees of us? And when did it become more important than the image we have of ourselves?

I wonder what it would be like if we focused more on the images we have about ourselves -- both inside and out -- instead of stressing about the images others have created of us.

Disappointments as Appointments

The first week of summer is supposed to be awesome, right? Everyone is excited, making plans, enjoying the beautiful weather. After my half marathon, I thought I would be able to do all of these things. I would start a new workout plan, start tackling all of the cleaning, schedule appointments, and cross things off of my to-do list. I had a perfect vision of what my summer would look like. Instead of all of this, I ran into a few roadblocks. I’ve been feeling tired and, quite frankly, a little lost.

After running unnecessary errands and walking around my apartment for the past two days, it hit me. It’s summer, which means my schedule isn’t going to be the same. I know, I know, this shouldn’t be a huge epiphany. Yet for some reason, it took a couple of disappointing days for me to see the beauty of summer break. I can sleep in (hopefully until 8:00), stay up late (hopefully past 10:00), enjoy taking 2 hours to get ready for the day, spend some time writing and working on curriculum (in my favorite coffee shops), and travel to see friends and family. What I don’t necessarily need is a down-to-the-minute schedule.

This summer, I’m looking forward to doing things that I enjoy. The way I had it all planned out in my head is turning to be a little different, and at first, I was a little disappointing, but those disappointments soon turned into appointments with God, allowing Him to tell me to chill out and enjoy summer.