It's Me Time

I'm not a mother. I don't know what it's like to have a child of my own; however, I do know what it's like to constantly put other's needs in front of my own. I use this example because there are times when other mothers assume things about me. For instance, some assume I'm not busy. Others believe that I'm missing out. Others don't assume anything at all. It's always been something that irritates me. I'm not broken because I don't have children. It just hasn't been my time yet.

Recently, I've been trying something new; I've been putting my own needs before others. I may seem selfish, but the fact is, I can. I am a single woman trying to figure things out. The only way I can do that is to try things, mess up, learn, and move on. These opportunities that have been presenting themselves to me will not last forever. They may lead me down the wrong path, but the cool thing is, they may lead me right where I need to be. Life is crazy like that.

It's funny because I never thought I would be an independent woman. It's not that I thought I was weak, but I've always had someone looking after me. Don't get me wrong, I needed that at the time, but at some point in the past few years, I found myself figuring out quite a bit by myself. I've failed...a lot, but I own all of those failures.

After graduating college, I envisioned myself settling down and starting a family. For many reasons, that just didn't happen. A relationship fell apart, I went back to college to pursue college, and I moved around to find my fit. Some day, I want to be a mother, and I pray that it will happen. Until then, I am learning to enjoy the opportunities and people that God is giving me. I'm learning to do things for myself and enjoy my independence.

Last weekend, I went out with some friends back in my college town. It's always bittersweet. I miss it, but I also realize that those memories, people, and experiences will forever be in my heart.

Moving Forward

In high school, I was on the golf team. I grew up on the course, whether it was riding along in the cart, working at the club, or playing a round or two myself. Golf is one of the only sports where you have the opportunity to walk along and talk with your competitor. While this was not always the case, sometimes it made the sport fun. I met a lot of girls with a wide variety of skills and personalities.

One time, I was walking along side my competition after she had hit an unimpressive worm-burner. She looked over at me and said, "Oh well. My dad always tells me that as long as I'm not hitting it backwards, I'm doing alright." I'm not sure why this comment has stuck with me over the years, but I'm realizing that it applies far beyond the course. No one wants to go backwards -- not when you're golfing, not in life.

Someone once told me that he didn't want to make lateral moves. At the time, I didn't think much of it. I suppose I hadn't really even thought about which direction I was heading. Now it makes a little more sense. We want the choices we make in life to move us forward. There's nothing wrong with looking back because we can learn from past situations. This in turn helps us to move forward as opposed to sideways or even backwards.

Today I am moving to a new place. I'll be teaching in the same school district; I just needed to move for personal reasons. Yesterday I began second guessing my decision. I started to question whether the move was lateral. I might be downsizing in terms of space, but personally, this is something that I need to do. I've put my career first for a while, and it's now time to think about myself. While I still intend to pour my heart and soul into teaching, I also realize that it's also important for me to be my best self. My physical move will also be moving me forward personally.

Being Okay with the Swerve

Sometimes I feel behind. Ideally, I wouldn't have gone to college twice. Yes, I did earn to bachelor degrees, but it did take me longer than I had anticipated. In many ways, it set me back both professionally and socially. The silver lining: I learned a lot in both my education and in life. As I look back, I try not to dwell on my decisions (or indecisions). Every path I have taken as leaded me to where I am today. God has paved the way for me, and He continues to lead me each day.

In the minister's sermon this morning, he talked about taking gravel roads verses interstates and highways. Visually, this all started to make sense to me. I know people that have mapped out their lives and stayed pretty close to those direct routes. Yes, they have made a few pit stops along the way, but for the most part, they (seemingly) have had a pretty smooth ride. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Well, I wouldn't really know because I've been on the gravel roads for most of my life. I'm not complaining, nor do I believe that I've had a hard life. The fact is, I've been swerving around trying to figure out quite a bit on my own. It's allowed me to become an independent woman, something I never thought I would be. My route may not be the most direct, but it's mine. The order of things may be different from what I had in mind. The amount of time it's taken me to figure things out may not always be very efficient, but it's allowed me to learn. 

As I write this, I realize that all of these "setbacks" have shaped me and continue to do so. The important thing to remember is that God is behind all of them. He doesn't have "setbacks." All things work together for good for those that love God (Romans 8:28). Yes, I may be swerving more than others, but God is teaching me and guiding me through. Learning to trust is not always easy, but surrendering my life to Him was the best decision I've ever made.

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:6)