Jorts, Cargos, and Gel... Oh, My!

Alright, let's talk men's fashion. As I've mentioned before, my knowledge about fashion does not come from years of studying at a prestigious institute. It simply comes from common sense, clearly something that is hard to come by.

I would like to point out a few "no-nos" for men. If you dudes want a date, or to keep your dignity, you will listen and take notes.

Jorts. Not okay. These are jean shorts. Now, for toddlers and elementary school kids these things make sense. They are great to play in the mud and wade in the creek. However, adults should no longer be partaking in these activities, leaving jorts to be no longer an acceptable piece of clothing.

Looks like a dad coaching little league. Now, is that what you want to look like?

Cargos. I know it gets hot, and men need to air out their hairy calves. Cargo shorts are the way to go. There are plenty of colors for every man's individual taste. When these cargo shorts become cargo pants, we have a problem. It just looks plain silly. So stop it... please.

Maybe I can keep my lipgloss in his pockets??

Hair Gel. Last I checked, most men left their greasy hair back in middle school. However, not every man got the hint. A little bit of gel on a special occasion can really spruce up a hairdo, but when hair is drenched in gel it looks plain disgusting. Also, when hair hits a certain length the gel gets put back in the bathroom drawer until your barber gets ahold of your head.

Grrrr-oss

I hope this helps boys. If all else fails, consult a female with style.

Itsy Bitsy Bikini

Sometimes I wonder if people look at themselves before they leave the house. I’m not saying I look fabulous all the time, but I at least cover up and fuff my hair. I heard the other day that one in three women won’t leave the house without makeup on. Apparently these women don’t live around me, because I see plenty of women looking… scary.

I realized that this is not just an “Iowa thing” after reading this article. To sum it up, a woman in Oregon was asked to leave a Wal-Mart after exposing too much skin as she strolled down the isles. Her itsy bitsy bikini was too revealing for management and customers alike. People had a lot to say based on the uproar of comments.

Obviously it is not the most flattering “outfit” this woman could have slipped on, but I’m just going to assume that she was extremely hot or looking to get her tan on.

I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing so much skin in public. I would say this woman was feeling a little too comfortable. People are getting so obsessed with comfort. I don’t think we need to be strutting around in stuffy polyester pants, but I do think we should cover up the necessary body parts. Stretchy pants and oversized t-shirts are taking over the world. This epidemic needs to end. If I see one more XXXL Looney Tunes t-shirt, I may vomit.

So please, Oregon Lady, save your itsy bitsy bikini for your kiddie pool in your backyard. 

Life Is A Highway

Summer is travel time. People are taking vacations and heading to the lake for the weekend. Boating and sightseeing seem like carefree activities… key words: seem like.

Ahh… there’s nothing like the open road, right? Jump on the highway and set the cruise. Until you see a group of cars up ahead with their break lights on. Cruise interrupted. Grrrr…

So if life is like a highway, then are traffic jams the nuisances in life? Traffic jams are the rained out baseball games, keys locked in the car, and spilled ice cream.

If life is like a highway, then where can I set the cruise? Cause I’m ready to just coast for a while. Is that too much to ask for?

Loungin'

Every time I walk into a Von Maur, I receive the best of the best. Friendly and knowledgeable sales clerks along with quality products leave me with an empty wallet, but a full bag.

The other day when I was passing through the department store, I stopped in the ladies’ lounge. As I walked through I got to thinking, who “lounges” in there? Don’t get me wrong, I love Von Maur, but I’m not about to hang out there… at least not in the restroom.

I’ve been to department stores with elaborate lounges. I understand that these can be used for nursing mothers, but beyond that I am a little confused. If I’m tired of shopping, I leave. I don’t just take a break in the ladies’ lounge. I would rather pop a squat near the piano, so I can listen to an old lady play a soothing version of “My Heart Will Go On.”

I appreciate the gesture, Von Maur, but I think I will continue my loungin’ on my sofa at home.  

Bare Necessities

Air. Water. Shelter. Food. These are the bare necessities. Of course, Maslow added to these when he created his hierarchy of needs. But, what did he know??

I would like to propose that a few more essentials be added to this list of bare necessities. These are a few elements in my life that I cannot live without.

MacBook. Ahh… how I love this computer. She sits contently on my lap. She rarely complains; only offers me a wealth of useless information whenever my heart desires. Not to mention, she is the means to my writing. Mackenzie Macbook. She’s a beauty.

Running shoes. Nothing better than lacing up my bright blue Mizunos. They help me glide across the trails while jammin’ out to the latest songs on my iPod. My twinkle toes would not be possible without the help of my trusted footwear.

Blackberry. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t love my phone. When people say, “I don’t even really care if my phone is on.” I would like to kindly respond by saying, “Yeah… right.” I wait for that little red light to blink on my phone telling me I have a text message, email, Twitter mention… just anything! I love my phone, and I’m not afraid to say it. So, there.

This list should not be static. We can all contribute to the bare necessities of life. Air. Water. Shelter. Food. Macbook. Mizunos. Blackberry. Sounds about right, don’t cha think?

Nothing Diet About It

My dad has always told me, “Everyone has a vice.” We all have something that we just can’t resist. Some people have boxes of shoes under their bed, while others indulge in double stuffed tacos from Taco Tico. Whatever it is, we’ve all been there. Now it’s time for me to disclose my weakness.

Are you ready for this???

Diet Dr. Pepper. Yum-o. There really is nothing diet about it. As soon as this stuff hits my tongue, I go to a new place. This place is called heaven.

23 Flavors = Complete Bliss

Fountain soda was made for me. I’ve done my detective work, and I’m pretty sure I’ve found every gas station and restaurant in the Cedar Valley that offers Diet Dr. Pepper. My heart skips a beat when Kwik Star offers a 79 cent 32 ounce fountain pop. That Big Buddy will always be my biggest, bestest buddy.

The icing on the cake came when Diet Dr. Pepper came out with this hysterical commercial….

Peace out… I’m thirsty.

Knock Your Socks Off

Tube socks. Wool socks. Short socks. Toe socks. I’m starting to sound like a Dr. Suess book. But in all honesty, have you ever thought about the importance of your socks? There is nothing worse than a thin pair that leaves you with blisters, or a pair too small that slides down your foot. Without this protection, the dogs are sure be barkin’.

I’m a pretty big fan of the Nike Dri-Fit socks. I’m actually a pretty big fan of any clothing that has the beautiful little swoosh on it. My brother has asked before if Nike sponsors me. While I’m currently without a sponsor, I am more than willing to change that. So if someone from Nike is reading, just think about it. I’m open.

There is one part that confuses me. These socks have an “L” and “R” to distinguish which foot I slide the sock onto. I suppose this would make sense if I was a toddler, but I’ve been dressing myself for quite some time now. And, might I add, have been doing a pretty good job at it.

Really the only reason I make sure to place these babies on the correct foot is so I don’t look silly sitting in the sauna with the old dudes at the Rec. I don’t want them to make some sly comment about not knowing my left from right.

What I really would like to know is, what happens if I switch them around? Will I start to walk lopsided? Will I run into walls? Maybe my feet will have a mind of their own and begin walking to foreign places. All I know is that I’m not about to risk it. I am keeping the “L” on the left and the “R” on the right. That’s what makes the world go round.